We currently live in a country with a 50% divorce rate. I believe in marriage. I think our relationships with our spouse’s need to be viewed as something special and worthwhile. We owe it to one another to put real efforts into our relationships, to continually grow, challenge, and support one another. Marriage is not easy, especially in our chaotic modern lives. I highly recommend if you have the ability to utilize a babysitter once a week or so, go out and have a date with your spouse. However, for many of us, babysitters are not readily available or affordable. We may not have found anyone we trust leaving in charge of our children. Whatever the reason, do not let lack of childcare prohibit you from having a once a week date night with your spouse.

After the birth of our son, I felt so connected to my husband. Sure we were adjusting to sleepless nights, new baby duties, and levels of stress I had never imagined. However, we had this most precious bundle of joy—and to know that we created an entire human together made me feel so in love with my spouse. I enjoyed watching my husband as a father—he is a really great daddy. I felt that we would provide this child, and any future ones, with a terrific family. As I started making more friends with kids, and reading all about parenting and lives of parents I noticed a startling trend. So many women shared how postpartum they had no desire for lovemaking or energy left for their husbands. I could understand how having a baby changed the dynamics in the household, but I was bound and determined that my marriage would remain a top priority.

No one ever prepared me for how much motherhood would impact my life. I was immediately 100% attached and devoted to my new arrival. It was a completely life changing spiritual event. Life changed, the friends we spent time with changed, my work identity changed, my body changed, our form of entertainment changed, and above all our priorities changed. Before having children my husband and I often went out to dinner on Friday nights with friends. Saturdays were often about shopping. Sundays we gathered and attended dinner parties. Now we had a baby. It was no longer fun to go to restaurants—especially trendy ones with a long wait. A shopping spree at Babies R Us became more attractive than the mall. Trying feed a baby or chase a toddler around someone else’s home for a dinner party was not appealing. We were one of the first in our group to have children. We felt a little isolated and began to have more “dates” at home. It could be as simple as putting the baby to bed and watching a favorite TV show that we’d taped earlier or eating an uninterrupted meal. Here are some tips to sharing a good “date” with your spouse.

• Planning a head is ideal, make sure the house is stocked with food, drinks, movies or games, and you and your spouse are on the same wave length that this will be an evening spent together.
• Experiment with different nights of the week to determine what best fits your lifestyle. For us Saturday night usually works best. During the week, we often prefer to unwind on our own after we put our son to bed. My husband is usually very exhausted on Friday nights so Saturday is often our default night. You may prefer a weeknight or Sunday night. It’s all about personal preference.
• Establish good and consistent bedtimes for your children. It benefits them to have a regular bedtime and it benefits you. Do not make excuses, just do this. Think of it like saving for your retirement—you can’t afford not too. You will then know a predictable time the kids will be in bed and your date can begin.
• Take turns deciding what you will do for your date. Make an effort to really have some good conversation and talk. Most people like to make small talk before they dive right into heavy conversation. Try not to just get into the rut of watching a movie. Its okay occasionally, but your goal should be quality time with your spouse.

The following list is some suggestions you might do on your date.

• Plan a restaurant quality special meal. You’ll probably be eating late if the kids are in already in bed, but that is okay. Many couples enjoy cooking together or you may want to take turns cooking. For suggestions of nice things you can cook see our “date night recipes” (LINK) .
• Don’t feel like cooking? Get take out or order a pizza. Or just go for an evening of quick snacks from the freezer section.
• Most people appreciate date night being more about connecting versus zoning out. I think its fine to watch a good movie together. However, try to incorporate other things in your date. A movie may also be a good “warm up” to get you in the mood for your date. Practice doing anything that helps you loosen up, get more in the moment, and ready for your date.
• If you have some cold weather make real hot chocolate (see my favorite recipe) build a fire if you have a fireplace and relax in front of the fire.
• Play board games. The old fashioned kind. Some of our favorites are Sequence, Scrabble, Monopoly, Yahtzee, or Trivial Pursuit.
• Rent an interesting documentary over a topic you are interested in. Discuss the movie afterwards. While this may not sound terribly romantic, it stimulates worldly conversation we parents often don’t have.
• Take turns giving massages. You can buy books or check them out from the library on massage or buy a handheld massager. Try to use nice scented oils, light candles, and play soft music. If you don’t have a massage table—which most of us don’t, you can use an inexpensive shower liner on your bed to protect your sheets from an oil spillage. For some good music ideas click here.
• If you are fortunate enough to have a large bathtub or hot tub, utilize this. Take a nice intimate bath together—use bubbles. Light candles, soft music, the whole 9 yards. If you don’t have a large enough tub, consider taking a shower together. Make sure you take turns washing each other. Touch is very intimate.
• If the weather is nice, go out on your patio, deck, or in your backyard and star gaze. Get to know the constellations. You can check out some basic books on this from the library and even get to know interesting facts about astrology to share with one another.
• If you and your spouse are readers, select a book a month or so and each of you read it. Discuss it together as you would a book at book club. For some great reading suggestions click here
• Keep a weekly discussion topic, such as life goals, vacation planning, finances, spirituality, health, or hobbies and discuss one topic each week. You can make this a discussion on how to improve in this area, what steps you want to take, what your priorities or goals are.
• Practice the art of foreplay. Spend time just kissing. Hold hands. Touch. There is no rush and take your time.
• Feel a little more risqué? Rent or order (on demand) an adult movie. There are erotic movies geared more towards couples or more women friendly. You might also enjoy playing an adult board game, experimenting with adult toys, or reading erotica to each other. Make sure to keep any adult materials you don’t want the kids to find locked and out of reach. You can shop discretely at many online websites and most of them offer discrete shipping.
• If you enjoy gardening, you may want to go out in your yard and do a little of this together. You can always take a shower together afterwards.
• Look at old photographs together. Discuss your past, appreciate your present, and talk about your hopes and dreams for the future.
• Bring the opera, a Broadway musical, or the symphony into your home. Rent one on DVD and watch it together.
• Try couples yoga or stretching together. There are many DVDs or books you can pick up to get started.
• If you have a porch, consider investing in a porch swing. Enjoy cocktails in the porch swing as a great way to unwind.
• If you enjoy playing video games together such as Play Station or X Box this is a fun date. Try out different games until you find one you both like.